When There Is Only ME & YOU (My Lord)

It was a gloomy night... I just got myself into an argumentative situation again and was truly hurt, upset and tired. But as I devote my heart to the Lord I suddenly felt so much in the spirit and just feel like writing my heart out. I was telling God that I miss those times when I was flying where I got to see the amazing things of the world. How much I depended on Him when I was so broken on board (being bullied and working like mad). And when I was all by myself be it on board or overseas doing sightseeing alone, sleeping alone, eating alone or mingling with complete strangers I met along the way. It was the time when there was only ME and HIM. I felt so so close with God. Right away I have this urge to update my blog.

I bought a book the other day. It is about writing entitled "If You Want To Write". Initially, I thought it is a book that guides people how to get started in writing. You know I just feel like writing a book! Haha... As I read on it speaks more on what writing is all about. It says that everyone is talented and everyone can write. Every day we encounter so many things in our lives that we can express and share. Well it also states about some people having a lot of emotions even by merely looking at the sky and they would express them through drawings or paintings just like the famous Dutch post-impressionist artist Vincent Van Gogh. I was so touched when I read that... I suddenly felt that I am not being too emotional or "abnormal" at all. You know the feeling that you finally found someone who is similar to you and support you! It was just awesome...

The reason I say this is because what the author stated simply describes me! I would say I am a person who truly admires wonderful sceneries around the world. Mountains, trees, sea, the sky, clouds, stars! It always reminds me of our almighty God who is the Creator of all these beautiful things in the world. It truly reflects His glory with the way He places different kinds of landscape and nature across different locations on earth. Each time I look at these things or when I just simply look at the sky... admiring its beauty... I start to have a lot of emotions, insights and am just so full with peace, love and joy. Most of the time I do not share these feelings with anyone. Perhaps I did share with my loved ones at times. But I was not really that comfortable expressing all these because I was afraid that the person might not believe it or they would just laugh it off or considering me a freak. But until I read that book it makes me realised that I am not a freak at all... this is part of the creative and loving side of me. Unlike Vincent Van Gogh I did not draw or paint but I express myself through writing and of course talking as well! :)

I was listening to hymns of praise and worship while I wrote this blog... the Lord has given me peace... and I felt close to Him... it was not a devotion or prayer session... but to me it was a wonderful quiet time with Him... as I write I give glory to Him... Amen

Seeking Myself Once Again

4 months have passed...I have never been updating my blog since May... writing seems to be something new for me again... I remembered I used to enjoy writing my feelings and my walk with God very much. As many have known, I moved from Singapore back to Malaysia just a month ago...and it was a 180 degree change for me... though I have always been living in Malaysia and well, I am from Malaysia... but this new phase of life just adds a lot of stress to me... stuck in traffic jam, having hard times finding directions, getting lost in all sorts of places, new workplace, new people, exams, training, financial constraint, relationship issues and worst of all getting lost in my walk with God... thinking back the first few months after I became a Christian... everything seem so smooth, so blessed... I truly feel so much of peace and joy...I always remember that feeling because that is how I restore my first love for God especially when I stumble... As I thought I have found so much of myself... I am actually still unsure of myself until this very day...

Being caught in persecutions, rejections, constant hurtful situations... I know that I just couldn't handle them well... I got lost over and over again.. making rounds over and over again in the forest...just couldn't find my way out...but... God is still here to help me get my life back on track...the moment when I almost give up, He said "restore the first love" which He actually asked me to apply this in my relationship. When I was at one of the lowest pit... crying day and night, where loneliness hits me, when I almost lost track of God... I received a call... from my current cell group leader. She said God just prompted her to give me a call, and she said, "CG has been changed to this day, do you wanna come?" I was stunned... I wanted to say NO because I'm just so tired and lazy... but God said... "Go, Phoebe. Yes, go!" Then I told her... "Okay. I will go." And praise God, I know that a door is opened... for me to achieve my dream or to say it more nobly, to achieve His will... It is a good start and I am looking forward for more... I hungrily seek for more...

But still... the devil does not stop in messing up my life... again, my relationship falls into its trap...I struggled a lot... even thinking of ending everything that I'm currently doing... even thought of leaving this place, moving to somewhere far far away... even thought of leaving to Heaven to look for Jesus... and you know what? When you are lost, you start finding someone, somewhere to turn to... and to me my ultimate place and that someone is Heaven and Jesus! Hallelujah! Many many times... I wanted to give up, I wanted to leave, I wanted to let go... but all the time.. God says, "Stay on, Phoebe" He says, "Just pray and wait" When I wanted to disobey Him... out of my own emotions... I told God... "Jesus, I decided to leave... I can't take it anymore" But God sent someone again to speak to me... and well.. I learnt something new today... Leaving is so easy... you just take one step and you are free... it's a choice you choose to make yourself happier... Loving a person is like taking up a cross... as in Jesus loves us unconditionally for He carries our sins on the cross... Because I love him.. I gotta take up the cross.. actually God is building me in this aspect too... because everything about the Kingdom of God is love.. and He uses us mightily through love...if I leave now, am I fulfilling God's purpose for me? When I recall the statement from this book Love Dare; as your partner deserves your love the least, it is when he needs it the most. My heart feels pain... as I imagined me leaving him... whom is hungry for love..who needs it the most at this moment...

If I were to stay on... I pray that God will give me wisdom, endurance, perseverance, ... until the day where I have done truly my bestest best... God shall lead me through a different path once again... Today, God reminds me once again of my dreams of Him, my vision... and so clearly that this is my direction! So why am I still struggling? I am not lost at all... I know my path well and it is just how I go about to achieve it... to fulfil my destiny...

Jesus, in Your mighty name I ask and pray for Your mercy, for Your wisdom, for Your LOVE.

Caught In Between J & S

I have been a believer for more than 1 and a half year...during this period of time I realised I grew a lot in Christ. Thank God, it is truly His given wisdom, peace and joy which changed my life. For months, I have been experiencing different encounters with Jesus; but undeniably, I have been experiencing a lot of encounters with Satan as well. While some brothers or sisters compliment me... I actually feel ashamed of myself. I am a nobody but just a sinner. And beware of this! This is also a thought and feeling that the devil is trying to plant in you to rob your peace and joy. It is true that the devil likes to trick you and stop you from bringing glory to God; and he is especially concerned when he realised that you are becoming more and more of his enemy.

Well, can you recall those old time movies where they used to feature an angel on the right side of the character's shoulder and a devil on the left side of the shoulder? The angel will instruct you to do the good things while the devil will do the opposite. It is almost like a debate going on between them and you are stuck in the middle listening to the chaos and try to stay focus to come out with a conclusion. So why do I write this blog? It is because I realised when I am caught in a situation, when I am to make a decision, having to differentiate between right and wrong, I find myself caught in between Jesus and Satan. No doubt Jesus way is always the way and is the only way. Amen.

But the challenge here is how do you see clearly His way? How do you win over Satan in this debate? How do you stay firm and act upon it by faith? Until now, frankly speaking this issue has been repeating over and over in my daily life. And I would boldly say sometimes I know I am on the right track, sometimes I am not but the most difficult part is the process of choosing. Most of the time, I stumble; I turn right and left and ended up heading no where. And everytime it left me hanging, filled with sins, guilt, insecurity, worry, fear, the list goes on. Though I face this kind of spiritual attack or shall I describe it as a dilemma?...But yet, I am clear of what is actually going on. It just comes to a point that my very own character, mind and heart are not strong enough to overcome this. Okay I shouldn't say "strong enough" but instead it is the word "stable" or "firm".

I am glad that I am aware of this that is happening in me. And thus, it is important that I need to find a solution to help me stand firm and strong. How I'd realised what I have done all these while is just not enough. I need to do more. As in:

1) Feed myself with the Word of God

2) Meditate on the Word of God

3) Pray in tongues out loud regularly

4) Spend more personal time with the Lord

5) Take ACTIONS to do more of God's works

6) Build more relationships and discuss my problems with other believers

All these seems familiar to me and to you! Gosh...I knew that for so long! But most of the time...I failed to be persistent. But I know I have to be firm and act upon it because I want to make a change. I want to live a righteous life and learn to be more and more like Jesus. I want to build myself better and better so that God can use me mightily to fulfil His will on earth. I want God when He tells Satan about me, He is proud to tell him that "This is my deserving child, I love her and you will not be able to touch her even a single strand of her hair. So I command you to stay away from her!" Hallelujah!

I pray to the Holy Spirit..continue to help me deal with the devil and live in my heart so that I will remain strong. Let my every word, every action, every decision comes from You, my Lord. Amen.

A Small Deed Can Make A Huge Difference!

1 week ago I was still in doubt and confused about how churches desperately take money from people, how churches' wrong approach caused so many people to backslide. A few brothers sisters and myself were also discussing about the doubts and discomfort we have within the church and cell group. That was also the time when I stumbled on my giving, trust and love to the church. Furthermore, it is really sad when I hear people sharing their bad experiences in church, which affect their loyalty to the church, perception towards Christians and even their walk with God. Again, I know that we shall not be blinded by what men do. As a church is run by men, we have to be really focus and only look up upon God and not men.

One day, a sister invited me to serve in the dialect church. I agreed to it without hesitation and the night before I was feeling unwell, troubled by sorethroat and flu. I thought I could not make it this round and sent her a message to inform her. But before I sleep, I declared to God "In Jesus name, I am healed! In Jesus name, I am healed" Amen! The next day I woke up, I was lying on my bed feeling tired and still struggling whether to go or not. I think and think...finally God somehow gave me an "oomph" to get up from my bed and move! Guess what I was feeling so energetic after that. The morning church service by Rev Margaret Court was really awesome. Praise the Lord that many people were truly charged up listening to her sermon! After that I set off with a sister to start the work...

The process is really tiring. First we got to travel to a housing area to gather the elderly; communicate with them, persuade them to attend the church service and then help them get up the bus provided especially the elderly that have problem walking and climbing the stairs. Deep in my heart, I started saluting the sisters who selflessly serve the elderly every Sunday! It was drizzling that day and can you imagine if it's a hot sunny day or a heavy rain day? They still have to keep going! Having to know that most elderly only go for the sake of getting a pack of free rice... is sad... but having to know that what they do every week can make a difference just makes them keep going! As we reached the church, we have to bring the wheelchair elderly to the toilet and to the auditorium. Of course the same process goes after the service. Bringing them back safely to their homes and make sure everyone of them get a pack of rice!

It was my first Chinese service and pastors were preaching in Hokkien and Cantonese. We were praising and worshipping God in Chinese. A little unusual for me but I felt so close to God that moment. When I saw some elderly praying so hard with so much of emotions, so on fire for God... I felt so touched... that I really wanted to cry. Throughout the service I helped an elderly to the toilet and she was just so grateful to me that she kept saying "Thank You! Thank You!" Some elderly shared with me what they work as... and sadly a lot of them are really poor and still work hard even at an old age. One grannie was sharing with me how her sons and daughters abandon her and don't talk to her. She even asked me to be her goddaughter! :) There were so many people serving some attending to the elderly, some guarding the toilets, some even have to stay in the lift to be of service to the elderly anytime they need. Wow!!! Compared to them.. I felt that I am truly a nobody.

The sermon was very good and it really answered all my doubts! I burst into tears and just cried non stop. There and then, I know that whether the people have any bad intentions or not, my giving is still meant to be a blessing to many. And my giving is unto the Lord not the people and my giving will lead more people to be saved. I have to see things in a bigger picture always and I know whenever I can I must really do something for the Lord, for the needy. I was really blessed that day and I know God wanted me to just wake up and go! I don't deserve all His love but yet He loves me so much. I am a nobody compared to so many generous, kind and big hearted people in the world but God still loves me because He has made the difference in you and me for a purpose! Deep within my heart, I know I have made a difference in the elderly lives just within that few hours.

The Lord Has Spoken

Hello guys! It's been quite some time I didn't feel this joyful already... Came to know that whatever you have in your life i.e. money, relationship, career, ...just could not bring you the pure joy that God could. A little surprise though as I am currently facing skin issues that caused me to be grounded. Well though I opt for grounding myself in the very first place...(reason is to treat my skin completely) somehow I am not suppose to be "that" happy right? No flight means no money! I guess the bottom line is health is more important than wealth. Amen.

I just came back from Moscow-Houston and this was my second visit to the two destinations. Regardless of my skin getting more severe throughout the trip, to me it was still a very blessed trip! A 4 sectors flight but I only needed to work 2 sectors and paxing 2 sectors. Moreover the load in YCL was real light. It was just an easy flight and I got the chance to hands on a little in JCL. Paxing 2 sectors was tiring but I am still proud to have watched a few movies in a row i.e. Hachiko the Dog (you will cry like shit), The Incredibles (nice to watch over and over again), Poker King, Alvin & The Chipmunks, God of Gamblers and Fight Back To School (Wow!! Just miss those HKG old movies so much!) Besides the set of crew was very nice and I got to fly with 2 crews that I flew with before and I also got to meet up with my batch boy and another crew friend! Don't know why I just got to share about God with a few people even a passenger! Awesome! Awesome!

This ain't a sightseeing flight anyway. The weather was just too cold for me and I refused to go out in Moscow not just because I was lazy but I didn't want to worsen my skin condition. In Houston, as usual I spent some money shopping! It's truly a shopping paradise! I spent only a few hours in Hollister, Abercrombie, Aeropostale & Sephora and I ended up spending SGD500++! Gosh... Oh Gosh... Hee...and you know what, I got to visit Lakewood Church founded by Pastor Joel Osteen!!! How cool right? I was truly blessed because initially I thought and everybody thought I will not make it to go there because there's no church service on Friday! I was just hoping that they might have some kinda occasions so that I could at least go and have a look. Indeed when I reached the hotel, I checked with the concierge and the lady searched through the internet for me. They have a prayer service every first Friday of the month! And thank God it was the first Friday of the month!!! Hallelujah~!

I took a cab there at night and I was feeling a bit scared because you know, talking about America... people can just do anything to anyone right? Sorry - no hard feelings! And I was also quite afraid that I might meet some kinda cunning cab drivers. I prayed for protection before I go and guess what the driver was simply a nice gentleman! He's a Muslim and we talked a little about religion. He charged me cheaper than the metre and before I alight, he gave me his namecard so that I can call him when I need to return to the hotel. Wow! Praise God man! I was still thinking how am I suppose to get a cab back from there? I went in the church... it's huge! The security wasn't very friendly though. Walked past their bookstore.. wow.. it's huge! I just wished I could go in but it was closed. I met a few friendly brothers and one of them told me it's the biggest church in America! The prayer service started and I submitted my specific prayer request to them. Though I didn't get to meet any of the pastors but I still felt so excited about it.

Their approach is a little different. But one thing that I was quite disappointed was they don't have much attendance for the prayer service and everybody was just so quiet. The room was really dry and the way they pray was kinda conservative as well. Not much of emotions, no prayers aloud, no tongues and no response. I guess they will not sue me for writing this right? Hmm... I was the only Asian in the room and I think I have more fire than them. -lol- But I shall attend their church service before I could really judge. Come on~ I didn't even get to see a pastor ok? But then my friend shared with me that a lot of mega Western churches are going down because of people losing their fire for God. And they need a lot of people like us to be an inspiration and to worship God praise God together with them enthusiastically. Well, I guess God was speaking to me through this experience. To replant my fire for Him, and to entrust my calling that He has given me all along.

Of course I did feel the presence of God! I prayed and prayed.. and my stomach was not feeling very well because I did not eat enough. Just felt like vomitting... but as I prayed for healing suddenly the Holy Spirit just fell unto me and my saliva glands was producing a lot of saliva by itself! I mean I tried to control but a lot of saliva just came out nonstop. I don't know how to describe but eventually I felt much better after swallowing those saliva. Eeww... disgusted? Sorry... =p Furthermore, recently I have been praying for an answer or confirmation I would say and God answered me that night too. Thank you Lord! As I reached Moscow, again I felt demotivated because of my skin issue. I prayed out loud for peace and God just spoke to me through the book of Jeremiah. And I shall end this sharing with these messages:-

Jeremiah 30:10-11 "So do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant; do not be dismayed, Israel," says the Lord. "For I will bring you home again from distant lands, and your children will return from their exile. Israel will return to a life of PEACE and quiet, and no one will terrorize them. For I am with you and will SAVE you," says the Lord. "I will completely destroy the nations where I have scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you, but with justice; I cannot let you go unpunished." AMEN.

My Skin vs My Job

WOW! It's been more than 1 month since my last blog being published. February was a tight month. I gained plenty of experiences but if you ask me to share with you here I could not really recall all of them. Seems like my memory is deteriorating with time but I realised that being forgetful at times can be good too. You feel less tensed 'cause your brain is not overstuffed and keep working non stop. :D Anyway, I definitely have grown stronger and wiser than before! Hallelujah! More blogs are to come because I have plenty of things to share on the revelation and understanding that I gained for the past month. But today I just feel like sharing about my feelings on my skin... It has been troubling me for a while and I know that a lot of people are experiencing the same thing as I do and some can be worse.

Eversince I started flying my skin started to break out. It began from my forehead and then spreaded to my entire face. Some people said it was due to stress. Indeed I was feeling really stressed during my first few months of flying career. Meeting different kinds of weird people sometimes bad people, with the stress of getting your work done in the proper way in not just my own judgement but also in the eyes of many people on board add on to the different weather and time zones in various countries that I fly to. The different timing of my meals, the kind of food that I eat be it aircraft food or outstation food, weird sleeping patterns, cabin pressure, flying here and there all the time. My lifestyle seems to have messed up. I put in a lot of effort to treat my skin eg. seeing a few doctors, trying a few products, facial, spa, Chinese medicine, Western medicine.. I also make sure I have enough rest, eat more healthily, let go of my stress, praying everyday etc. I did recover.. but on and off it comes develop again. A lot of effort has been put and a lot of money has been wasted. And I found out that the main reason is still... flying.

Having this problem makes me feel so demotivated all the time especially in my job. In fact I cried a lot of times due to that. It comes to a point that when people talk to me I am not sure if they are looking at me or are they looking at my skin. It comes to a point that when a stranger look at me is it because they are interested or are they just looking at my skin? I feel bad when I see their eyes looking at my breakouts. I feel even worse when they ask me what is going on with my skin. Then they start to recommend this doctor that doctor, this facial that facial. Worst part is when I meet those "bad" people, they start to give a lot of negative feedbacks and even threatening me that I shall be grounded. I remember there was once an IFS said to me that , "You shouldn't be flying with this skin condition, you will scare the passengers away." WOw! That was hurt! It also comes to a point that I always feel so low in confidence that I don't even dare to look at people face to face even to people very close to me. I don't even have the courage to tell people what am I working as. Guys you may not understand how I truly feel but I guess gals you will tend to stand in my shoes right now imagining how I feel.

Not jus that when I go to very cold countries, my skin tend to be more serious. I sometimes don't even dare to go out first is because I am afraid the weather will make my skin worse and second reason is because I don't feel like letting crews see my skin especially if I were to go out bare face. I start to feel really envious on other people's smooth and clear skin. At the same time I feel really pity those who have the same problem or even worse. I tend to have this habit of acknowledging my problem before people notice it and ask me about it. Because that would at least make me feel better and have the preparation of listening to a lot of comments on my skin. Though some of my friends comfort me by asking me not to care what other people think of me. But can I really do it? I mean can you really do it if you were me? Sometimes it's not about what other people think but it's actually my very own concern on my skin and outlook. It truly affects me a lot to the point that I just wanted to quit flying right now!

It is a tough decision to make as this is my rice bowl for this period of time but yet I know this is the way to really let my skin recover fully. Which do I choose? My skin or my job? Sharing with my close ones about this problem doesn't seem to work anyway. I know that this is not the time to quit yet and so I must get rid of this negative feeling that the devil has been trying to plant in me all the time. Because I actually know the reason behind the breakout it makes my situation better right? The solution is already there; it is just a matter of the perfect timing. So to speak at this moment I gotta look for the good in every circumstance as God has said in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Looking at the bright side, I actually can now write a good article to sell an acne product online. It is not just a test of faith but also a test in my relationship; how true love can withhold no matter how you look on the outside or perhaps if you are having some kind of sickness?

I gotta accept myself and love myself as who I am and not how I look. For in God's eyes, we are all beautiful. He is more concern of our character than our outlook. It is no doubt very challenging but I just want to encourage all who have this problem to not give up and continue to pray for healing. And it also means that we should not be focusing on the healing but the Healer itself which is God our Jehovah Rapha. I am still working on this and I know it is possible. My gal friend once told me if she were me she would have committed suicide! A bit of an exaggeration but it shows that I am actually pretty strong in dealing with this situation. Well, is that a compliment? Haha you bet! The reason I write this blog is not just to vent out my feelings to the world but also to keep reminding myself and you that God is our Healer and as we pray and claim the healing, we are healed in Jesus name. Amen.

Overcoming My Fear & Insecurity

It has been quite a dilemma lately. I have been experiencing spiritual attack over my sleep. That night I remembered... I was trying to sleep in the hotel room. Suddenly I felt as if someone was climbing up my bed and walked across my legs then slowly got next to me. I struggled to wake up and as usual each time when I am caught in this kind of situation, I just need to yell out "JESUS!!! JESUS!!!" to wake up. But that night I still felt uneasy and scared. I switched on all the lights, on my gospel playlist from my HTC Magic and began to pray in tongues for a while and of course command the devil to leave me right away! I read the bible... I was on Numbers which I found it a bit dry so I turned to Psalm 119. It was good...and I just continued reading as it was really speaking to me. When I reached Psalm 121, oh God... guess what?! God is telling me this Psalm 121: 5-8 The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever. AMEN!

Immediately I felt a great relief. God is really so so good. These few days as I attended our very first AF meeting this year and even up to this day there have been messages from God which talks about fear and insecurity. This is exactly what has been bothering me recently and God is now helping me to overcome this issue in me. In fact, I was also sharing with my boyfriend that I felt sad because I believe in His word but at the same time I still feel scared. Ain't that a conflict in me? I felt guilty and sinful but God is telling me differently and comforting me through His messages. The AF leader shared this Word of God that we must put our trust in Him and not to be afraid as well as surrendering our unbelief to Him. I realised as I believe in Him I do have some sort of unbelief in me at the same time. But all I need to do is to be very honest with God; acknowledge my unbelief and ask God to help me in that aspect. On top of that, my special friend actually highlighted to me that I am being too fearful and insecured and I must really make a change.

Yes... indeed I am not just fearful of the spiritual attack but also many other things in life. My relationship, my flights, my future and more. Besides that I noticed that as I engage myself more in my relationship I also started to lose focus in my walk with God, in realising my dreams and handling my emotions. I guess that is where fear and insecurity start to come in even deeper and deeper. My conversation with my him that night raised a question in my mind; whether I can really be a wife of his? Or even get attached? He is such a wise man, does he really need me in his life? But then again... once again God is telling me he is the one for me...Praise God! Well, I gotta share with you that today I had a quiet time with God... I was so filled with Holy Spirit that I sobbed and sobbed as I prayed to Him. I raised my question to Him... and immediately He sent someone to talk to me over this. And this is another confirmation from Him just like how He used to keep telling me to stay put with this man and we are His chosen couple. I gained a revelation that when God is stronger and stronger in you, the devil tend to attack you more. A sister also shared with me that when God's chosen couple get together it will be very powerful. That is why the devil just don't want to let this happen and that's why the couple will be put to many tests. But I will not let the devil win the battle because God in me is greater than everything else in the world!!! AMEN!

I also begin to acknowledge a lot of my weaknesses which are what I mentioned earlier i.e. fear, insecurity as well as pride, anger, impatience, negativity and more. When I don't like to accept what people comment badly about me I noticed that my self pride is too strong. As a Christian I should not only humble myself before God but I must also humble myself before man; family, leaders, friends, people regardless of their status, race and gender and more importantly to humble myself before my husband. Anger, impatience and negativity are all the emotions that I must learn to handle well. God shows us mercy and is slow to anger and I want to be just like Him. Negativity will drag people down and this is definitely not my purpose in life. I shall lift people up and not drag people down! One last thing is this verse that I should meditate on Matthew 16: 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Amen. So why do I have so little faith? Why am I always feeling insecured? As long as we have done our part, we shall enter God's rest. Leave everything else to Him and we will definitely see light.