When There Is Only ME & YOU (My Lord)

It was a gloomy night... I just got myself into an argumentative situation again and was truly hurt, upset and tired. But as I devote my heart to the Lord I suddenly felt so much in the spirit and just feel like writing my heart out. I was telling God that I miss those times when I was flying where I got to see the amazing things of the world. How much I depended on Him when I was so broken on board (being bullied and working like mad). And when I was all by myself be it on board or overseas doing sightseeing alone, sleeping alone, eating alone or mingling with complete strangers I met along the way. It was the time when there was only ME and HIM. I felt so so close with God. Right away I have this urge to update my blog.

I bought a book the other day. It is about writing entitled "If You Want To Write". Initially, I thought it is a book that guides people how to get started in writing. You know I just feel like writing a book! Haha... As I read on it speaks more on what writing is all about. It says that everyone is talented and everyone can write. Every day we encounter so many things in our lives that we can express and share. Well it also states about some people having a lot of emotions even by merely looking at the sky and they would express them through drawings or paintings just like the famous Dutch post-impressionist artist Vincent Van Gogh. I was so touched when I read that... I suddenly felt that I am not being too emotional or "abnormal" at all. You know the feeling that you finally found someone who is similar to you and support you! It was just awesome...

The reason I say this is because what the author stated simply describes me! I would say I am a person who truly admires wonderful sceneries around the world. Mountains, trees, sea, the sky, clouds, stars! It always reminds me of our almighty God who is the Creator of all these beautiful things in the world. It truly reflects His glory with the way He places different kinds of landscape and nature across different locations on earth. Each time I look at these things or when I just simply look at the sky... admiring its beauty... I start to have a lot of emotions, insights and am just so full with peace, love and joy. Most of the time I do not share these feelings with anyone. Perhaps I did share with my loved ones at times. But I was not really that comfortable expressing all these because I was afraid that the person might not believe it or they would just laugh it off or considering me a freak. But until I read that book it makes me realised that I am not a freak at all... this is part of the creative and loving side of me. Unlike Vincent Van Gogh I did not draw or paint but I express myself through writing and of course talking as well! :)

I was listening to hymns of praise and worship while I wrote this blog... the Lord has given me peace... and I felt close to Him... it was not a devotion or prayer session... but to me it was a wonderful quiet time with Him... as I write I give glory to Him... Amen

Seeking Myself Once Again

4 months have passed...I have never been updating my blog since May... writing seems to be something new for me again... I remembered I used to enjoy writing my feelings and my walk with God very much. As many have known, I moved from Singapore back to Malaysia just a month ago...and it was a 180 degree change for me... though I have always been living in Malaysia and well, I am from Malaysia... but this new phase of life just adds a lot of stress to me... stuck in traffic jam, having hard times finding directions, getting lost in all sorts of places, new workplace, new people, exams, training, financial constraint, relationship issues and worst of all getting lost in my walk with God... thinking back the first few months after I became a Christian... everything seem so smooth, so blessed... I truly feel so much of peace and joy...I always remember that feeling because that is how I restore my first love for God especially when I stumble... As I thought I have found so much of myself... I am actually still unsure of myself until this very day...

Being caught in persecutions, rejections, constant hurtful situations... I know that I just couldn't handle them well... I got lost over and over again.. making rounds over and over again in the forest...just couldn't find my way out...but... God is still here to help me get my life back on track...the moment when I almost give up, He said "restore the first love" which He actually asked me to apply this in my relationship. When I was at one of the lowest pit... crying day and night, where loneliness hits me, when I almost lost track of God... I received a call... from my current cell group leader. She said God just prompted her to give me a call, and she said, "CG has been changed to this day, do you wanna come?" I was stunned... I wanted to say NO because I'm just so tired and lazy... but God said... "Go, Phoebe. Yes, go!" Then I told her... "Okay. I will go." And praise God, I know that a door is opened... for me to achieve my dream or to say it more nobly, to achieve His will... It is a good start and I am looking forward for more... I hungrily seek for more...

But still... the devil does not stop in messing up my life... again, my relationship falls into its trap...I struggled a lot... even thinking of ending everything that I'm currently doing... even thought of leaving this place, moving to somewhere far far away... even thought of leaving to Heaven to look for Jesus... and you know what? When you are lost, you start finding someone, somewhere to turn to... and to me my ultimate place and that someone is Heaven and Jesus! Hallelujah! Many many times... I wanted to give up, I wanted to leave, I wanted to let go... but all the time.. God says, "Stay on, Phoebe" He says, "Just pray and wait" When I wanted to disobey Him... out of my own emotions... I told God... "Jesus, I decided to leave... I can't take it anymore" But God sent someone again to speak to me... and well.. I learnt something new today... Leaving is so easy... you just take one step and you are free... it's a choice you choose to make yourself happier... Loving a person is like taking up a cross... as in Jesus loves us unconditionally for He carries our sins on the cross... Because I love him.. I gotta take up the cross.. actually God is building me in this aspect too... because everything about the Kingdom of God is love.. and He uses us mightily through love...if I leave now, am I fulfilling God's purpose for me? When I recall the statement from this book Love Dare; as your partner deserves your love the least, it is when he needs it the most. My heart feels pain... as I imagined me leaving him... whom is hungry for love..who needs it the most at this moment...

If I were to stay on... I pray that God will give me wisdom, endurance, perseverance, ... until the day where I have done truly my bestest best... God shall lead me through a different path once again... Today, God reminds me once again of my dreams of Him, my vision... and so clearly that this is my direction! So why am I still struggling? I am not lost at all... I know my path well and it is just how I go about to achieve it... to fulfil my destiny...

Jesus, in Your mighty name I ask and pray for Your mercy, for Your wisdom, for Your LOVE.

Caught In Between J & S

I have been a believer for more than 1 and a half year...during this period of time I realised I grew a lot in Christ. Thank God, it is truly His given wisdom, peace and joy which changed my life. For months, I have been experiencing different encounters with Jesus; but undeniably, I have been experiencing a lot of encounters with Satan as well. While some brothers or sisters compliment me... I actually feel ashamed of myself. I am a nobody but just a sinner. And beware of this! This is also a thought and feeling that the devil is trying to plant in you to rob your peace and joy. It is true that the devil likes to trick you and stop you from bringing glory to God; and he is especially concerned when he realised that you are becoming more and more of his enemy.

Well, can you recall those old time movies where they used to feature an angel on the right side of the character's shoulder and a devil on the left side of the shoulder? The angel will instruct you to do the good things while the devil will do the opposite. It is almost like a debate going on between them and you are stuck in the middle listening to the chaos and try to stay focus to come out with a conclusion. So why do I write this blog? It is because I realised when I am caught in a situation, when I am to make a decision, having to differentiate between right and wrong, I find myself caught in between Jesus and Satan. No doubt Jesus way is always the way and is the only way. Amen.

But the challenge here is how do you see clearly His way? How do you win over Satan in this debate? How do you stay firm and act upon it by faith? Until now, frankly speaking this issue has been repeating over and over in my daily life. And I would boldly say sometimes I know I am on the right track, sometimes I am not but the most difficult part is the process of choosing. Most of the time, I stumble; I turn right and left and ended up heading no where. And everytime it left me hanging, filled with sins, guilt, insecurity, worry, fear, the list goes on. Though I face this kind of spiritual attack or shall I describe it as a dilemma?...But yet, I am clear of what is actually going on. It just comes to a point that my very own character, mind and heart are not strong enough to overcome this. Okay I shouldn't say "strong enough" but instead it is the word "stable" or "firm".

I am glad that I am aware of this that is happening in me. And thus, it is important that I need to find a solution to help me stand firm and strong. How I'd realised what I have done all these while is just not enough. I need to do more. As in:

1) Feed myself with the Word of God

2) Meditate on the Word of God

3) Pray in tongues out loud regularly

4) Spend more personal time with the Lord

5) Take ACTIONS to do more of God's works

6) Build more relationships and discuss my problems with other believers

All these seems familiar to me and to you! Gosh...I knew that for so long! But most of the time...I failed to be persistent. But I know I have to be firm and act upon it because I want to make a change. I want to live a righteous life and learn to be more and more like Jesus. I want to build myself better and better so that God can use me mightily to fulfil His will on earth. I want God when He tells Satan about me, He is proud to tell him that "This is my deserving child, I love her and you will not be able to touch her even a single strand of her hair. So I command you to stay away from her!" Hallelujah!

I pray to the Holy Spirit..continue to help me deal with the devil and live in my heart so that I will remain strong. Let my every word, every action, every decision comes from You, my Lord. Amen.

A Small Deed Can Make A Huge Difference!

1 week ago I was still in doubt and confused about how churches desperately take money from people, how churches' wrong approach caused so many people to backslide. A few brothers sisters and myself were also discussing about the doubts and discomfort we have within the church and cell group. That was also the time when I stumbled on my giving, trust and love to the church. Furthermore, it is really sad when I hear people sharing their bad experiences in church, which affect their loyalty to the church, perception towards Christians and even their walk with God. Again, I know that we shall not be blinded by what men do. As a church is run by men, we have to be really focus and only look up upon God and not men.

One day, a sister invited me to serve in the dialect church. I agreed to it without hesitation and the night before I was feeling unwell, troubled by sorethroat and flu. I thought I could not make it this round and sent her a message to inform her. But before I sleep, I declared to God "In Jesus name, I am healed! In Jesus name, I am healed" Amen! The next day I woke up, I was lying on my bed feeling tired and still struggling whether to go or not. I think and think...finally God somehow gave me an "oomph" to get up from my bed and move! Guess what I was feeling so energetic after that. The morning church service by Rev Margaret Court was really awesome. Praise the Lord that many people were truly charged up listening to her sermon! After that I set off with a sister to start the work...

The process is really tiring. First we got to travel to a housing area to gather the elderly; communicate with them, persuade them to attend the church service and then help them get up the bus provided especially the elderly that have problem walking and climbing the stairs. Deep in my heart, I started saluting the sisters who selflessly serve the elderly every Sunday! It was drizzling that day and can you imagine if it's a hot sunny day or a heavy rain day? They still have to keep going! Having to know that most elderly only go for the sake of getting a pack of free rice... is sad... but having to know that what they do every week can make a difference just makes them keep going! As we reached the church, we have to bring the wheelchair elderly to the toilet and to the auditorium. Of course the same process goes after the service. Bringing them back safely to their homes and make sure everyone of them get a pack of rice!

It was my first Chinese service and pastors were preaching in Hokkien and Cantonese. We were praising and worshipping God in Chinese. A little unusual for me but I felt so close to God that moment. When I saw some elderly praying so hard with so much of emotions, so on fire for God... I felt so touched... that I really wanted to cry. Throughout the service I helped an elderly to the toilet and she was just so grateful to me that she kept saying "Thank You! Thank You!" Some elderly shared with me what they work as... and sadly a lot of them are really poor and still work hard even at an old age. One grannie was sharing with me how her sons and daughters abandon her and don't talk to her. She even asked me to be her goddaughter! :) There were so many people serving some attending to the elderly, some guarding the toilets, some even have to stay in the lift to be of service to the elderly anytime they need. Wow!!! Compared to them.. I felt that I am truly a nobody.

The sermon was very good and it really answered all my doubts! I burst into tears and just cried non stop. There and then, I know that whether the people have any bad intentions or not, my giving is still meant to be a blessing to many. And my giving is unto the Lord not the people and my giving will lead more people to be saved. I have to see things in a bigger picture always and I know whenever I can I must really do something for the Lord, for the needy. I was really blessed that day and I know God wanted me to just wake up and go! I don't deserve all His love but yet He loves me so much. I am a nobody compared to so many generous, kind and big hearted people in the world but God still loves me because He has made the difference in you and me for a purpose! Deep within my heart, I know I have made a difference in the elderly lives just within that few hours.

The Lord Has Spoken

Hello guys! It's been quite some time I didn't feel this joyful already... Came to know that whatever you have in your life i.e. money, relationship, career, ...just could not bring you the pure joy that God could. A little surprise though as I am currently facing skin issues that caused me to be grounded. Well though I opt for grounding myself in the very first place...(reason is to treat my skin completely) somehow I am not suppose to be "that" happy right? No flight means no money! I guess the bottom line is health is more important than wealth. Amen.

I just came back from Moscow-Houston and this was my second visit to the two destinations. Regardless of my skin getting more severe throughout the trip, to me it was still a very blessed trip! A 4 sectors flight but I only needed to work 2 sectors and paxing 2 sectors. Moreover the load in YCL was real light. It was just an easy flight and I got the chance to hands on a little in JCL. Paxing 2 sectors was tiring but I am still proud to have watched a few movies in a row i.e. Hachiko the Dog (you will cry like shit), The Incredibles (nice to watch over and over again), Poker King, Alvin & The Chipmunks, God of Gamblers and Fight Back To School (Wow!! Just miss those HKG old movies so much!) Besides the set of crew was very nice and I got to fly with 2 crews that I flew with before and I also got to meet up with my batch boy and another crew friend! Don't know why I just got to share about God with a few people even a passenger! Awesome! Awesome!

This ain't a sightseeing flight anyway. The weather was just too cold for me and I refused to go out in Moscow not just because I was lazy but I didn't want to worsen my skin condition. In Houston, as usual I spent some money shopping! It's truly a shopping paradise! I spent only a few hours in Hollister, Abercrombie, Aeropostale & Sephora and I ended up spending SGD500++! Gosh... Oh Gosh... Hee...and you know what, I got to visit Lakewood Church founded by Pastor Joel Osteen!!! How cool right? I was truly blessed because initially I thought and everybody thought I will not make it to go there because there's no church service on Friday! I was just hoping that they might have some kinda occasions so that I could at least go and have a look. Indeed when I reached the hotel, I checked with the concierge and the lady searched through the internet for me. They have a prayer service every first Friday of the month! And thank God it was the first Friday of the month!!! Hallelujah~!

I took a cab there at night and I was feeling a bit scared because you know, talking about America... people can just do anything to anyone right? Sorry - no hard feelings! And I was also quite afraid that I might meet some kinda cunning cab drivers. I prayed for protection before I go and guess what the driver was simply a nice gentleman! He's a Muslim and we talked a little about religion. He charged me cheaper than the metre and before I alight, he gave me his namecard so that I can call him when I need to return to the hotel. Wow! Praise God man! I was still thinking how am I suppose to get a cab back from there? I went in the church... it's huge! The security wasn't very friendly though. Walked past their bookstore.. wow.. it's huge! I just wished I could go in but it was closed. I met a few friendly brothers and one of them told me it's the biggest church in America! The prayer service started and I submitted my specific prayer request to them. Though I didn't get to meet any of the pastors but I still felt so excited about it.

Their approach is a little different. But one thing that I was quite disappointed was they don't have much attendance for the prayer service and everybody was just so quiet. The room was really dry and the way they pray was kinda conservative as well. Not much of emotions, no prayers aloud, no tongues and no response. I guess they will not sue me for writing this right? Hmm... I was the only Asian in the room and I think I have more fire than them. -lol- But I shall attend their church service before I could really judge. Come on~ I didn't even get to see a pastor ok? But then my friend shared with me that a lot of mega Western churches are going down because of people losing their fire for God. And they need a lot of people like us to be an inspiration and to worship God praise God together with them enthusiastically. Well, I guess God was speaking to me through this experience. To replant my fire for Him, and to entrust my calling that He has given me all along.

Of course I did feel the presence of God! I prayed and prayed.. and my stomach was not feeling very well because I did not eat enough. Just felt like vomitting... but as I prayed for healing suddenly the Holy Spirit just fell unto me and my saliva glands was producing a lot of saliva by itself! I mean I tried to control but a lot of saliva just came out nonstop. I don't know how to describe but eventually I felt much better after swallowing those saliva. Eeww... disgusted? Sorry... =p Furthermore, recently I have been praying for an answer or confirmation I would say and God answered me that night too. Thank you Lord! As I reached Moscow, again I felt demotivated because of my skin issue. I prayed out loud for peace and God just spoke to me through the book of Jeremiah. And I shall end this sharing with these messages:-

Jeremiah 30:10-11 "So do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant; do not be dismayed, Israel," says the Lord. "For I will bring you home again from distant lands, and your children will return from their exile. Israel will return to a life of PEACE and quiet, and no one will terrorize them. For I am with you and will SAVE you," says the Lord. "I will completely destroy the nations where I have scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you, but with justice; I cannot let you go unpunished." AMEN.

My Skin vs My Job

WOW! It's been more than 1 month since my last blog being published. February was a tight month. I gained plenty of experiences but if you ask me to share with you here I could not really recall all of them. Seems like my memory is deteriorating with time but I realised that being forgetful at times can be good too. You feel less tensed 'cause your brain is not overstuffed and keep working non stop. :D Anyway, I definitely have grown stronger and wiser than before! Hallelujah! More blogs are to come because I have plenty of things to share on the revelation and understanding that I gained for the past month. But today I just feel like sharing about my feelings on my skin... It has been troubling me for a while and I know that a lot of people are experiencing the same thing as I do and some can be worse.

Eversince I started flying my skin started to break out. It began from my forehead and then spreaded to my entire face. Some people said it was due to stress. Indeed I was feeling really stressed during my first few months of flying career. Meeting different kinds of weird people sometimes bad people, with the stress of getting your work done in the proper way in not just my own judgement but also in the eyes of many people on board add on to the different weather and time zones in various countries that I fly to. The different timing of my meals, the kind of food that I eat be it aircraft food or outstation food, weird sleeping patterns, cabin pressure, flying here and there all the time. My lifestyle seems to have messed up. I put in a lot of effort to treat my skin eg. seeing a few doctors, trying a few products, facial, spa, Chinese medicine, Western medicine.. I also make sure I have enough rest, eat more healthily, let go of my stress, praying everyday etc. I did recover.. but on and off it comes develop again. A lot of effort has been put and a lot of money has been wasted. And I found out that the main reason is still... flying.

Having this problem makes me feel so demotivated all the time especially in my job. In fact I cried a lot of times due to that. It comes to a point that when people talk to me I am not sure if they are looking at me or are they looking at my skin. It comes to a point that when a stranger look at me is it because they are interested or are they just looking at my skin? I feel bad when I see their eyes looking at my breakouts. I feel even worse when they ask me what is going on with my skin. Then they start to recommend this doctor that doctor, this facial that facial. Worst part is when I meet those "bad" people, they start to give a lot of negative feedbacks and even threatening me that I shall be grounded. I remember there was once an IFS said to me that , "You shouldn't be flying with this skin condition, you will scare the passengers away." WOw! That was hurt! It also comes to a point that I always feel so low in confidence that I don't even dare to look at people face to face even to people very close to me. I don't even have the courage to tell people what am I working as. Guys you may not understand how I truly feel but I guess gals you will tend to stand in my shoes right now imagining how I feel.

Not jus that when I go to very cold countries, my skin tend to be more serious. I sometimes don't even dare to go out first is because I am afraid the weather will make my skin worse and second reason is because I don't feel like letting crews see my skin especially if I were to go out bare face. I start to feel really envious on other people's smooth and clear skin. At the same time I feel really pity those who have the same problem or even worse. I tend to have this habit of acknowledging my problem before people notice it and ask me about it. Because that would at least make me feel better and have the preparation of listening to a lot of comments on my skin. Though some of my friends comfort me by asking me not to care what other people think of me. But can I really do it? I mean can you really do it if you were me? Sometimes it's not about what other people think but it's actually my very own concern on my skin and outlook. It truly affects me a lot to the point that I just wanted to quit flying right now!

It is a tough decision to make as this is my rice bowl for this period of time but yet I know this is the way to really let my skin recover fully. Which do I choose? My skin or my job? Sharing with my close ones about this problem doesn't seem to work anyway. I know that this is not the time to quit yet and so I must get rid of this negative feeling that the devil has been trying to plant in me all the time. Because I actually know the reason behind the breakout it makes my situation better right? The solution is already there; it is just a matter of the perfect timing. So to speak at this moment I gotta look for the good in every circumstance as God has said in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Looking at the bright side, I actually can now write a good article to sell an acne product online. It is not just a test of faith but also a test in my relationship; how true love can withhold no matter how you look on the outside or perhaps if you are having some kind of sickness?

I gotta accept myself and love myself as who I am and not how I look. For in God's eyes, we are all beautiful. He is more concern of our character than our outlook. It is no doubt very challenging but I just want to encourage all who have this problem to not give up and continue to pray for healing. And it also means that we should not be focusing on the healing but the Healer itself which is God our Jehovah Rapha. I am still working on this and I know it is possible. My gal friend once told me if she were me she would have committed suicide! A bit of an exaggeration but it shows that I am actually pretty strong in dealing with this situation. Well, is that a compliment? Haha you bet! The reason I write this blog is not just to vent out my feelings to the world but also to keep reminding myself and you that God is our Healer and as we pray and claim the healing, we are healed in Jesus name. Amen.

Overcoming My Fear & Insecurity

It has been quite a dilemma lately. I have been experiencing spiritual attack over my sleep. That night I remembered... I was trying to sleep in the hotel room. Suddenly I felt as if someone was climbing up my bed and walked across my legs then slowly got next to me. I struggled to wake up and as usual each time when I am caught in this kind of situation, I just need to yell out "JESUS!!! JESUS!!!" to wake up. But that night I still felt uneasy and scared. I switched on all the lights, on my gospel playlist from my HTC Magic and began to pray in tongues for a while and of course command the devil to leave me right away! I read the bible... I was on Numbers which I found it a bit dry so I turned to Psalm 119. It was good...and I just continued reading as it was really speaking to me. When I reached Psalm 121, oh God... guess what?! God is telling me this Psalm 121: 5-8 The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever. AMEN!

Immediately I felt a great relief. God is really so so good. These few days as I attended our very first AF meeting this year and even up to this day there have been messages from God which talks about fear and insecurity. This is exactly what has been bothering me recently and God is now helping me to overcome this issue in me. In fact, I was also sharing with my boyfriend that I felt sad because I believe in His word but at the same time I still feel scared. Ain't that a conflict in me? I felt guilty and sinful but God is telling me differently and comforting me through His messages. The AF leader shared this Word of God that we must put our trust in Him and not to be afraid as well as surrendering our unbelief to Him. I realised as I believe in Him I do have some sort of unbelief in me at the same time. But all I need to do is to be very honest with God; acknowledge my unbelief and ask God to help me in that aspect. On top of that, my special friend actually highlighted to me that I am being too fearful and insecured and I must really make a change.

Yes... indeed I am not just fearful of the spiritual attack but also many other things in life. My relationship, my flights, my future and more. Besides that I noticed that as I engage myself more in my relationship I also started to lose focus in my walk with God, in realising my dreams and handling my emotions. I guess that is where fear and insecurity start to come in even deeper and deeper. My conversation with my him that night raised a question in my mind; whether I can really be a wife of his? Or even get attached? He is such a wise man, does he really need me in his life? But then again... once again God is telling me he is the one for me...Praise God! Well, I gotta share with you that today I had a quiet time with God... I was so filled with Holy Spirit that I sobbed and sobbed as I prayed to Him. I raised my question to Him... and immediately He sent someone to talk to me over this. And this is another confirmation from Him just like how He used to keep telling me to stay put with this man and we are His chosen couple. I gained a revelation that when God is stronger and stronger in you, the devil tend to attack you more. A sister also shared with me that when God's chosen couple get together it will be very powerful. That is why the devil just don't want to let this happen and that's why the couple will be put to many tests. But I will not let the devil win the battle because God in me is greater than everything else in the world!!! AMEN!

I also begin to acknowledge a lot of my weaknesses which are what I mentioned earlier i.e. fear, insecurity as well as pride, anger, impatience, negativity and more. When I don't like to accept what people comment badly about me I noticed that my self pride is too strong. As a Christian I should not only humble myself before God but I must also humble myself before man; family, leaders, friends, people regardless of their status, race and gender and more importantly to humble myself before my husband. Anger, impatience and negativity are all the emotions that I must learn to handle well. God shows us mercy and is slow to anger and I want to be just like Him. Negativity will drag people down and this is definitely not my purpose in life. I shall lift people up and not drag people down! One last thing is this verse that I should meditate on Matthew 16: 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Amen. So why do I have so little faith? Why am I always feeling insecured? As long as we have done our part, we shall enter God's rest. Leave everything else to Him and we will definitely see light.

The Stories Continued

As promised, I am gonna continue the next 2 stories in this blog. Truly hope that they will somehow inspire you. Let's not drag anymore and there you go...

There was a water bearer he had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path. "Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

To me the water bearer acted so much like God. Living a righteous life and loving and accepting things as who they are. In fact God created each and everyone of us so uniquely. We have our very own gifts. It is not comparable between each other. But one thing for sure is that we all have flaws. But God loves us regardless of our flaws. He makes good use of our strengths as well as our weaknesses in different areas of our life. Therefore, we should not be ashamed of our flaws and feel discouraged or even feel envious over others' strengths. As long as we are able to acknowledge our weaknesses and make good use of them even the tiniest flaw can be turned to a strong point; and able to shine for Him. Bear in mind that He made us this way for a purpose. And sometimes of course if He finds that the particular flaw is against His will, He would need us to make a change. And that's how He builds us since the day we were borned. So let's start to love ourselves and others for who we are and look for the good in them. Amen.

The last story is just a simple one. Once a King told his General, "Ride this horse and go to any land that you want and capable of; and when you return I shall give you all the lands that you have covered." The General was delighted; he rode a horse to all the lands that he wanted to possess and he just kept going and going, wanting more and more. He did not rest at all because he wanted to cover as much land as he could. Before dawn the horse started to feel so tired that it could not run anymore but the General insisted to continue. Alas the horse collapse and died of exhaustion. The General was then all alone walking across the land. He sustained for a while and eventually died of exhaustion as well. When the people found his body they buried him in an isolated graveyard with a usual small tomb similar to other deceased's. This story tells us very much about the world we are living in. Most of the time we are so focused to achieve success and making a fortune we tend to neglect the people we love. In fact we forget to love the people and things around us and sometimes we also forget to love and pamper ourselves. Just like how the General only wanted to obtain the lands that he was desperate for, he forgot to love his horse and caused it to die. He also forgot to love himself and he didn't know that after all the hard work he ended up having no time to enjoy what he had gained. And when he died, people did not really remember or respect him.

The Word of God said that we could not bring with us money and possessions in this life when we die. This also reminds me of a message shared by an awesome sister Teresa saying "Prestige and possessions do not even last a lifetime what more for eternity?" Above all, when you add together the 3 stories I have shared, it comes to a similar point that is God loves us unconditionally; He sent His son to sacrifice for us, He makes good use of our strengths and flaws and in His eyes we are still His beloved child eventhough we are mere sinners, lastly He loves us and He teaches us to love others as we love ourselves. He gave us a place at eternity because of love and that is the most important thing that we need; not money, power or fame. Through His love, we love and we are loved. Amen.

Special thanks to Rachel for sharing the second story and Nicholas for sharing the third story. :D

The Story Of 3 Stories

As what the title says I am gonna share with you guys three stories that inspire me and touch my heart recently. Firstly, I apologize if this is a lengthy blog. If you do look at my Facebook updates you should have known I spent my last two weeks fruitfully and joyfully! Praise The Lord! I had a great flight to Manchester - had a very nice complex leader on board, a good working position and got to know 2 new nice friends! As I have mentioned in my previous blog I really had an awesome New Year count down with Jesus and the set of crew. Last week, despite the delay due to snowing in Manchester, thank God I managed to make it on time for my KL flight. After so many years, this holiday in Genting gave me a different kind of encounter and feeling once again. I did not visit the Theme Park but I was indeed happy to see people from all walks of life gather and have fun at this small little mountain. Like I've always said a budget trip can be much more fun as long as you get to enjoy it with people you treasure. There you see small families, tour groups, couples; of different races, different states in the country and even from different countries. A peaceful and harmonious nation is always the best! Just hope that everyone realises that...

I went to play the pool - Wow! I think I start to master the basic skills! I went to sing KTV with my beloved - Well, I never sing KTV with 1 person alone before and it was real fun that I did not need to keep screaming in the room and book the mic from time to time! I watched a movie on cinema entitled Bodyguards & Assassins - You gotta watch it man! It is so meaningful with great action and casting based on a true story. And that's the first story I am going to share today. It is about how people in China joined the evolution to fight for democracy over the ruling of Dynasty Qing. A few characters were featured and each has their personal life stories - a man was haunted with his past sins he chose to torture himself everyday just to make himself feel better; a hardcore gambler only started to appreciate his loved ones after years of merry-go-round; a daughter whom never understood her father but only blame him for not providing her sufficient love and needs ended up in guilt and pain when his corpse was lying right in front of her; an innocent man who just long for a simple life not knowing what is the real purpose of fighting; a businessman whom always help the people with money discreetly but yet insisted not to get involved because he wanted to protect his family and businesses; a rich young man whom have everything in the world finally understood the meaning of life and death; a man whom just work towards his goal of the evolution his entire life; and others. They all in the end stood up to fight and die together for peace and harmony in the nation, for one hope, one goal.

The characters truly reflect the various types of people in the world be it the world long ago or the current world. As I watched this show I was thinking how good if they already knew God at that time like how you and I know God now. Their sins will be forgiven, they will not just be chasing after power, money and fame, they will gain peace and joy. Everything will be so different. As shown in the movie, Sun Yat Sen was very sad to see the death of his people but he said "For the people, peace and freedom, require sacrifices and the sacrifices of blood". This reminded me once again how God loves us that He sent His only begotten son to make this sacrifice; sacrifice of blood for us. If only we could realise this and acknowledge His love for us. Sadly, most of the time we forget how our freedom and lives were exchanged. Just like we often forget how people sacrificed for people we also forget how Jesus sacrificed for us. And that could be the worst thing in life. So the story here is to renew our minds once again... to appreciate our good lives that have been exchanged by Jesus on the cross, acknowledge Him and bring glory to Him. Amen? AMen!!!

The second story was actually shared by my church sister Rachel during our Aircrew Fellowship camp. I used to read that story when I was very young but just not as inspired as now. Hmm.. you must be curious right? Well, I guess I shall continue the other 2 stories in my next blog as I don't want my readers to get a headache reading! Before I say goodbye I gotta share the Word of God for today - John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Hallelujah!

New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year my fellow readers!!! 2009 has passed; 2010 has begun... Wow! Time is really flying. This year is my second year celebrating New Year with SIA. It is kind of a different celebration which I think it's truly worth remembering even when I grow old. I counted down in my hotel room according to Malaysia/Singapore time with Jesus in my prayers. Prayers for a better year ahead, blessings to come upon myself, my beloved and both families, gratitude to God for what He had done for me during the previous year and continuous spiritual growth. AMEN! Within the same date (being in a different country with different time zone) I counted down with my set of crew in the crew room in Manchester! We had drinks, music, chit-chat sessions and we played games like Who's Who? and Scrabble! Wow.. I'm so proud of myself having to brainstorm at that hour! Followed by a toast for the new year and watched fireworks from the window... Thank God for sending me 3 new friends and a great set of crew whom had made my trip here so memorable! :D

A lot of people may just clubbed through the night, call it a night and get a hangover the next day. But I always prefer to choose something different and meaningful and with God, He had made it possible and all things are just so awesome! As far as we are to enjoy ourselves to the max for this day, it is also time to reflect what we have done for the past year and what is our resolution for this year. Thinking back a year ago I noticed I have massive changes in terms of my mindset, attitude and spiritual growth. Praise The Lord! But of course there are plenty of things that I know I can do better. It is mainly on confessing and repenting of my sins!!! To identify what I have done wrong and correct my mistake. Well, I realised I have done pretty good in a lot of aspects but still have to deal more wisely in managing my anger, fear, insecurity, friendships, my contributions in serving the Lord etc. Pray that He will give me wisdom and light from time to time...

I would now declare my resolutions for 2010... okay it's indeed a long list! The basic things are always to manage my finances and health better. Finances as in clearing my debt, increasing my savings, to provide more for my family and look for new opportunities. Besides that, in terms of my career, I have to master the coming JCL training, SEP and continue to perform my best on board and hopefully to reach out to more people in various parts of the world. Health as in continue to work on the healing of my skin, my spine,... Most importantly is my spiritual growth as in how I manage my time to serve Him more - to be more committed and contribute more to the Church, cell group as well as the community. To learn more about prayers, complete the bible, fellowship, write more blogs and carry myself better! I shall also be focused on building a fund... which is going to help in my mission fields in the future. Pray that my determination and effort will never go off and I will definitely achieve all these!!! Not to be missed out, to continue to work on my relationship, my family bondage and enjoy life!

Above all, I shall end this blog by joyfully receiving the great year 2010 once again! I shall continue to shine for Him, be a joy giver, focus on our vision and fulfil my calling according to His will and purpose for me... AMEN!

My Love Letter To YOU

Lord O'Lord~! This is a letter to You...
Christmas is coming and I am eagerly waiting for the day
It reminds me of my new birth
10 years ago You appeared in my dream
I lost my earthly father but You told me it is ok for I have You, my Heavenly Father
You asked me to come to You but I refused
Even in the midst of struggling to find a path in my life
I did not realise that You have already been with me all these times
Yet You did not give up on me
You still love me as how You have loved me today, tomorrow and eternally
You taught me about life; about sorrows, about trials and tribulations
You instilled the interest about life in me
I was completely lost but I ought to know the answer
That is why I continually seek for it...
Year after year my questions increased, I could understand no more
What is happiness? What is life? What am I? I am just empty...
You arranged some people to reach out to me; You used them to tell me something
You brought me to You... even as far as a foreign country
I finally got to know You; And You taught me even more
I just wished I could have known You earlier
When I was down You lift me up
When I cried out to You, You said "I am always with you even until the end of age"
You told me I am never alone for You are with me 24-7
You taught me to do good; even to the people that are evil to me
You gave me wisdom and You answered my questions
You gave me peace, joy and freedom
You taught me to be humble and You gave me a softened heart
You told me how awesome I am regardless of my flaws
You gave me a vision and a reason for me to live and move on
You told me I have a place to stay at eternity; a wonderful place sitting right beside You
You taught me how to love; to love every creation of Yours, to love unconditionally and with all my heart
You blessed me with love; within my family, with the one, my friends, people around me, creatures around me, things around me...
And You are still guiding me on what I should do and how should I feel
To strike a balance in every aspects of my life
To be stronger and stronger; better and better in Your name
To be just like You, O'Lord~
I now know the answer; the answer is You
Christmas is a day of celebration for it is when we gained mercy and freedom
A day when You were borned, a day when I was reborned
But it is also a day I cry for You
For it reminds me of how You bore our sins upon the cross
How You bore my sins upon the cross
My sins...I am just unworthy...
But You said I am Your child; Your beloved, faithful child...and I deserve it
No! I say it is You who made me deserve it
O'Lord, thanks for everything You have done for me
I shall shine for You, honour You and bring glory to You
I LOVE YOU and I praise You forever and ever!
AMEN!!!

Evil Lies Within Ourselves

Dear readers, I have been scratching my head on how to write my heart out for this blog. Forgive me if it's not a good one. In another 1 month, I will be turning 1 year old in Christ. Time flies; within a year I noticed I have grown a lot in my spiritual walk as well as in my life itself. Thank God for always giving me wisdom. I believe starting off in a good church plays a major role in my growth. The good church I meant here is City Harvest Church Singapore. A lot of good values have been taught through sermons by renowned pastors from all over the world, constant follow up by cell group members and the effort being put by all parties to produce a "true" spiritual family; everyone has indeed done a great job thanks to the will of God whom has placed each of us with a different role. But despite all these positive things you can gain, there will be times whereby you will be negatively influenced because every church has its strength and weaknesses. Every church is ran by men and as long as there is men there will be no perfection because men is never perfect but only God is. However, most people do not understand and they will be easily blinded by evil which lies within themselves.

I shall begin talking about my church which is a very commercialised, huge, popular and rich one. Initially I used to think that a church needs not be so "exxagerative" and if the church is rich enough we should be focused on how to build the smaller churches instead. In fact, most churches of this kind have become a source of entertainment to many especially the youths. It is treated as a place to look for a boyfriend or girlfriend, a place for fun activities and a place to gossip. It is not surprising that you can hear plenty of gossips or rumours just within a cell group alone. Besides that, a lot of people treat it as a place to network and build their business. The bigger the church is, the more hierachical politics people will tend to engage in. Members trying to surpass each other to obtain a position in a ministry or trying to become a pastor. Similar to a workplace, there are full timers who complain about their wages and the unfair treatment they receive. Slowly, it has become a place to compete and to seek power, fame and money. Sadly, this leads to major dissapointment in a lot of people. I have met several backsliders and anti Christs whom have shared with me the reason why they left church and why they never believe in Christians respectively. Notice I just mentioned "they never believe in ChristIANS" and not CHRIST.

Then when I visited a small church not long ago, I realised there is a big difference between my church and that one. I would say the sermon was not very impactful. There was no atmosphere and the environment was rather dull. I saw plenty of the members were asleep and some were not paying attention. If that's the case, aren't them attending service just for the sake of attending? How about new visitors? Will this church lead them to Christ or create an interest for them to visit the church again? And is this church able to bring about growth in that particular person? I also started to realised that God has indeed blessed my church to have such growth and annointed pastors. Eventhough my church is big and rich, but it doesn't mean it has to stop there. God still needs to use us mightily to save more and more people. That was the moment when God gave me an inspiration to write about this in my blog. Hallelujah. Well, I have always told people that God works wonders in us in whichever ways. AMEN.

When I view it in a positive way, I saw there is actually a big room for improvement for that church and I truly salute a sister whom had transferred from a big church to this one as she sees the need to serve there and to develop the church. From there it will be able to reach out to more people. She is really a pure child of God!!! Our fire on God must keep on going eventhough there is no concert ambience or surround sound system like what we had in Singapore Expo. Like I said, every church has its strength and weaknesses and different churches use different approach. Some are focused on youths, some are focused on elderly, some on English and some on Chinese and other dialects. It doesn't matter which church you go, big or small but I would say you got to look for one that suits your characteristics and needs in order for you to grow spiritually. But sad to say once again, every church encounters the same problem which is men's attitude and behaviour itself. A lot of Christians are still living in their own world where there is pride, selfishness, greed and foolishness.

Regardless of all that, seeking God is something simple and pure. We are truly seeking and serving God Himself and not human. So why are we blinded by human's works? When a man fails you, you say Christians are hypocrites... and yes you just said it! It's ChristIANS and not Christ. We have to stand firm in our faith and believe in Christ! Do not put a blame on other human but it is the evil or temptation beneath us that make us backslide. To counter this problem, you got to defeat this evil in you. Pray for wisdom. When we learn, we absorb and gather the good knowledge. And if you are wise enough, you will gather the bad ones as well and make it good. I watched a sermon on tv before saying that God always uses somebody to give us something. Even it is of evil, God allows it to happen because He wants to build us in every aspect of our lives. If we are able to withstand the temptation and remain faithful, we are promised with the gateway to Heaven. Amen.

My Simple Testimony

This is just a short and casual blog. It's my personal testimony that I intend to share with my readers. Being home for more than a week has indeed accumulated great blessings from God. Here, I would just touch on my spiritual walk during my entire annual leave. As usual, I chatted with my Mum whenever we are together whether we are at home or shopping or dining out. One night she shared with me her experience engaging in charity works through a Buddhist Society. Even in a midst of serving the society, she got to know a new friend at an exhibition whom is a Christian. Thanks to God whom had answered my prayer and worked through that friend of hers, my Mum actually asked me to bring her to church! Praise The Lord! I arranged to visit a Chinese church with her on a Sunday but too bad, she did not really like their approach. But it is not the end of everything as I see salvation in her while I myself have gained a new revelation and inspiration to write my next blog. If you notice, God works wonders in you in whichever ways... (Well, I said "If you notice") Amen.

When I travelled to KL, I managed to attend an event called Yeah Show! It is preached by Pastor Enoch Lim, a very famous pastor from Hong Kong. It is an annual event and everything is based in Cantonese with testimonial sharing sessions by some Chinese artists. Pastor Lim's approach is truly impactful where he is able to lead thousands and thousands of people to Christ even just by this event alone. You must be wondering what kind of approach he is using. He acted as a stage comedian - giving humourous speech which reflect the problems we are facing at the current society and at the same time reflect how are we gonna be saved which is through Christ Jesus. Meaning to say, you would never feel bored listening to him but filled with laughter and yet causing us to think through what he said. Awesome right? Hallelujah! This round an artist from Hong Kong, Lee Ya Nan came to share her testimony. I was truly touched by what she said regarding her life as an artist having to lose peace, joy and herself in the entertainment industry. It reminds me of a Bible verse which I also shared before when I relate it to my own job. The bible says from Mark 8:36-37 "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" I was filled with tears and emotions at that moment. It's a blessing to have attended this event as I foresee that Pastor Lim or I would say this sort of approach is able to lead my Mum and even my sister to salvation and stronger walk in Christ. It is indeed a new hope to many! Amen! Amen!

On Saturday I wanted to attend a church but things seem like not very positive. In the end, I decided to attend service in City Harvest KL instead of just shopping and wasting money. I did not have friends there, I have never been there and I have to worry about my transportation as in taking a taxi to and from. With all these concerns, I still feel like going there. At 4pm, the time to service was drawing near, while I was doing my shopping alone at Sunway Pyramid and searching for a Book of Prayer at MPH Bookstore, my friend called. He said he had arranged his friend to pick me up to church. I was really... "Wow!" In the end, I got transportation to and from the church without paying a single cent! Got to know some new friends there, impacted by the Word Of God for the day and got to know their planned surprise for City Harvest Singapore and Pastor Kong; have given me another new breakthrough! You can never imagine the things that I have been thinking and discussing with several people were actually discussed through that sermon. It is not the first time... but all the time that God has been answering to me. In fact it had also helped to calm myself down in terms of my concerned relationship that I just started. Praise The Lord!!!

Lastly, I just want to say that things happen when you least expected. Even when you are unsure, you just got to continue praying and talk to Jesus. I don't know when is the right timing, I don't know how is He gonna reach me but He will surely answer to me. I am firm because I know Christ is in me. Amen.

The Love For God

October seems like a busy month. I was not around Singapore most of the time. To date, I only manage to update one blog. But I can tell you that this is a challenging one. I've been thinking of how to write in order to convey my messages which at the same time not too lengthy. A lot of people also suggested me to add this add that... Phew!!! Tough! I decided to go with the flow and just write whatever I feel like it. Weeks ago, a godly man told me that a woman who loves Jesus more than loving him is the one for him. A lot of question marks bombarded my mind when I read that and it took me a while to digest what he said. I asked some people - men and women, believers and non believers, old Christians and new Christians. Different people happen to give me different point of view. Some say that's a pretty selfish statement. Some say they are not sure; it's a tough question. Some say yeah they love Jesus more than their current bfs or gfs while quoting me a few bible verses. And you know what, most people think that is quite impossible.

Initially I was still very confused. I started to doubt myself, I felt guilty as if I have sinned big time. I was thinking if one day Jesus ask me to let go of my family or the ones I love for Him... I will not! Like how Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac when God asked him to... I will not! Yet when I was attending church service on Sunday, I just teared uncontrollably... I was sad... I was truly troubled by what my friend said. I asked myself and I asked Jesus, have I not loved You enough? Have I not being faithful enough? Am I right? Or wrong? Everyone answers differently. Who is right? And who is wrong? I can't help it but to seek the answer. As men have different interpretations over certain things, I could only pray to Him... to enlighten me, to give me wisdom because eventhough information given by humans are worth to be learnt, they are knowledge worth to be gathered but true wisdom comes from God. AMEN.

Slowly, I realised it is actually something very simple. The love for Jesus is totally different from the love for my family. It is not comparable, not measurable. It is just...well, different! In the first place, when I came into this world from my mother's womb, it is already a gift from God. My parents raised me up and showered me with love and that is why God asks us to honour our father and mother which I definitely will even without Him asking. But God still reminds us all the time through His words because He does not only love me but He loves my parents as well. He loves everyone and His love is unconditional. Then I put it the other way round while I reflect the day when my earthly father passed away, can I stopped him from dying? Can I say NO to God? Can I blame God for bringing him away? No. Life goes on even after he is dead. In fact when I kept dwelling in the past made me feel sorrowful all the time. But it is only through God that makes me realised that there is something better awaiting me and feel joyful once again. I also thought that ain't my loved ones longing for this heavenly life at eternity as well? And I realised when I love Him above all else, I am loving my family and everything else more too! (Believe me because I am really experiencing this feeling.) Hallelujah!

As days passed while I continue seeking Him, I gained more and more revelations. When two persons are in love, they tend to act irrationally and emotionally which is unhealthy for the relationship. Yes even they are so in love but still end up breaking off due to arguments, jealousy, selfishness; the list goes on and on. I also reflect myself in my past relationships. Why did it not work out? And my current situation, how do I make it work out? If we put our focus in God, seeking Him above all else, we will know how to react wisely and it is only through that for a relationship to sustain. True love is still insufficient to have a lasting relationship. It comes with faith, patience, peace, grace, perseverance and wisdom to bind two persons together even they are far apart from each other. In fact, it is very important for a couple or husband and wife to walk hand in hand for Christ. When we serve Him wholeheartedly He will definitely let our relationship grow stronger and stronger and the love towards each other will also increase. Matthew 6:33 says Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously and He will give you everything you need. AMEN.

Just as I have so many doubts in my mind, God just kept pouring me with new insights. I just love Him more and more. I am sure He wants me to know the true message behind the statement. He is the only one who can pour upon me His unlimited healing power be it for my skin or my spine. It is the first time I ever felt such a speedy recovery for my spine injury. (Well I injured my spine for the 3rd time for those who don't know). On top of that, when I visited Christchurch not long after that, I was awed... it is truly amazing to see such wonderful landscapes and livings there. Mountains, snow, sea, dolphins, sheeps, etc. How creative our God is to put together all these wonderful things at different parts of the earth which at the same time are able to nurture more and more love from me to the world. So ask me again... how can I not love Jesus more than anything else? He is just so awesome! AMEN.

The Truth Is More Than Just A Surface

Everytime after I completed a blog I feel a sense of relief. Realising that my blogs actually receive quite a lot of support motivates me to write more and more better ones. Referring to my previous blog "How Does A Man Love?" (though quite a thoughtful one), I noticed that it somehow created a negative energy among my readers. As far as I never intend to drag people down, I know I have to adjust my style of writing again. Its very first objective is to bring about inspiration and positive outcome. Positive outcome as in positive thoughts that will lead to good deeds, enlightenment or breakthrough. And never underestimate how powerful a simple sharing can be. You never know whose life you are able to touch today! Never had I thought that my shoutout in Facebook actually influenced someone and leads her closer to God. Never had I thought that by just telling the crews that I am heading to cell group after my flight would actually hit someone's heart and made her admire what I do. Well, a number of friends have commented that they feel encouraged reading my posts! Praise The Lord! The way we talk and how we carry ourselves is very important because we carry the name of Jesus and shine for Him wherever we go, whatever we do. We are the so-called ambassadors for the Kingdom Of God. And tell you what, when I write, I think, I try to relate my personal experience and thoughts to the current world, I seek the power of Holy Spirit and I refer to the Bible! I AM SERIOUS! I am not an expertise nor am I a great author but I am always learning and improving because I find it interesting enough as a method to reach out to more people. To many believers what I do may mean nothing but to non believers it may be their very first encounter with God.

Wow! Guess I started off with a pretty strong paragraph huh? God is such a great God as He has always been giving me new ideas on what to write on my site. For the past few weeks several topics come across my mind but I try to fit all in one as I find them equally important. The day before I was still scratching my head on how to share my sorrow and bad things that have been happening to me these days. Honestly I just don't know how to start, how to continue and what title I should put. I ended up writing about this and once again I feel the oomph while I write! If this is God's will that I should continue to inspire people, I would just go for it. Recently many of my friends complain to me how their dreams have not been fulfilled eventhough they have prayed for quite some time. I absolutely understand their complaints and their desperate needs because I myself often complain and am desperate in achieving a lot of things too. But then again, God will never shortchange us, He will restore everything for us and bless us back a hundred folds! How many of us can truly understand this and end of the day how many of us can sustain? Despite our desire to settle down in a good marriage, to earn our first 1 million dollars, to buy a Ferragamo bag, to get a boyfriend or girlfriend, to get promoted in our career etc. we are so focused on our own world and personal needs; have we ever given a second thought to other people's needs as well?

When I watched a video featuring a group of kids from Uganda, they were so skinny, so weak they could only roll on the floor waiting for a little girl whom is younger than 10 to bring them water, to take care of them and bath them. They have no food and what kind of life do they have? What future awaits them? Their dream may only be as simple as having a bowl of porridge per day. And they may not even know how to pray! After watching the video, some say "There are so many poor people in the world, how many can we help?', some say "You can't even help yourself, how do you help them? So mind your own business!", and some say "The video is so sad" and then they forget about it the day after tomorrow. This shows how selfish we human beings are. Well, I am not asking you to donate all your belongings to them or be their lifelong saviour. But at least before you complain about anything or even when you are so happy that you already have everything, stop for a moment and think about them or other people whom are suffering, think about people in India, China, Africa, our own country! Ask yourself how you can give more to the society and is life just about chasing after your own dreams and neglecting everything else in the world?

Most of the time people look only at the surface of the things they see or encounter. While the world is so huge, while the sea is so deep, we tend to narrow ourselves in a box. More often than not, we crave for luxury and a good life; good life as in life with materials and money. But that is not what God created us for. If we understand the truth, we will be contented with what we have, we will seek His kingdom above all else, we will live life with love, we will feel pure joy in our hearts. If we understand the truth we will realise that life is much more than the surface and nothing can separate us from God. 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says "Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it." Besides look at the issues we are facing everyday now. Poverty, hunger, war, famine,... it is continuous and uncountable. The only solution is the TRUTH. Hebrews 13:14 says "For this world is not our permanent home, we are looking forward to a home yet to come.". AMEN. There is something more beautiful awaiting us. Therefore, do not be blinded by the sorrow and trials we are encountering in our earthly lives.

Like I said, we live with love for the truth is love and life is love. We love not only ourselves but others as well. Our hearts are filled with love and we do all the good works that we are able to. If you can give a penny to a basker today, give! If you can share your testimony today, share! If you can motivate your friend today, go ahead! If you can do more, that's even better! 1 Timothy 1:5 says "The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, clear conscience and genuine faith". We live according to our purpose and calling then we colour it beautifully and along the way we give what we can to colour people's lives too...that's what God wants us to do. Of course I do not consider myself as a very great servant of God nor could I ever consider my deed as something sacrificial as I am not even worthy to be compared with any of my brothers and sisters. Yet, I am so confident and I believe I could somehow make a difference in people's lives!!! I don't know when, I don't know how but the day will come...YES IT IS COMING!!! Let's lift up our hearts and hands together to do something for the society!!! Before I end my blog, I would love to share this verse "1 Peter 4:11 Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ." AMEN.

P/S: Please click on this link to view the video I mentioned earlier: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saokTRIg0qA

How Does A Man Love?

This is some sort of a personal question that has been bothering me recently. I believe most people don't know the answer be it women or even men themselves. And I am asking this on behalf of all women in the world. Perhaps this is also your question to your crush, boyfriend or husband since day one. Women are born to be affectionate and emotional beings. We do things according to our hearts and we love someone with our hearts. We are willing to do a lot of things for the man we love. For instance, wash his clothes, send him to work, sew him a sweater, buy him gifts, sms him all the time, think of him wherever we go, whatever we do, you name it! And sometimes we do it openly sometimes discreetly. Our objective is just very simple - that is to shower our love upon him. Isn't that something very straight forward and pure love? So the question again is... How does a man love? Through his heart or his brain?

A man, sometimes he sweet talk with you, sometimes he hugs you and he seems like wanting to know you better but does that really mean he is fond of you? He seems appreciate the things you have done for him but on the other hand he never takes a single move to keep in touch with you or care for you especially when you are not around him... or worse is when you are far apart from him. I wonder if he is really not interested or is he acting not according to his heart or will but according to his rationality. Everything they do, they judge the consequences, the pros and cons and much more other factors. First of all, God created Adam and then Eve to become Adam's partner @ helper. Is it because Eve has sinned first by eating the apple that is why women have to bear all the emotional sufferings? But when I think at a different angle, is Eve created as a creature whom is much more complicated than Adam? A creature with deep emotions and soft heart? This also explains why she is easily influenced by Satan...

Worse thing is by just a small little move which man considers as nothing would make our minds cramp up. I mean a small move as in when he sweet talks or act slightly more affectionate to you. It creates a lot of imagination in our minds like... "Is he interested in me?", "Oh God I'm so happy that he actually likes me too!" etc. Somehow this gives us hope. On the contrary, when a man doesn't care much about you or did not even send u a single sms, the negative imaginations start to give us scratches in the heart. We would think "So he is actually not interested in me", "Why is he acting so differently from the other day?", "Is he interested or is he just too busy to say Hi to me?" And this crashes our hope. What a torture?!!! It's an up and down emotion and it is definitely not an easy feeling to bear. I doubt if men can act more responsibly when it comes to relationship? What are they thinking??? Oh... give us a break!

For our part, I couldn't say that it is an unconditional love because while we are willing to sacrifice for our loved ones, we do expect or at least HOPE to get back something in return. But all we ask is just a response. Whether it is good or bad, we need an answer that can reduce our sufferings. Perhaps we are being impatient or are men being too patient? I believe God created men and women to live harmoniously together. So it is about give and take and please just be fair. Anyway, with God who loves us unconditionally, I believe He will lead us to the answer... O Lord I pray for your support and with You, we will stand strong! AMEN.

Building A Strong Character

One week has passed so fast like a blink of the eyes. I have so many things to share that I don't know where to start. Things just keep on spinning in my mind for the past few weeks. First let's talk about God's blessing upon me. Eversince I was borned... I have already been so blessed. Borned in an average family with a responsible dad, caring mum, loving sisters... I grew up in a healthy environment with proper parental skills. I've got proper and complete education, I've got a bunch of friends who love me dearly, I'm always prospered with money. Since young there's always inflow of money for me to save. My monthly allowance, my bonus for doing well in exams etc. I got to buy a lot of "rubbish" that I like from the money that I saved. I got scholarship and study loan during my high school and university. I got to make my own money through various part time I worked. As I graduated, I got a well paid and interesting job and now I have a well paid and interesting job too. Wow! Thinking back how could I ever complain about my life? I don't have the rights to complain at all. I'm so blessed right??!!! Praise The Lord!

Money just keep flowing in but because of my "big spender" attitude the money keep flowing back out too. I remembered I used to be an opportunist. Back in university, I often looked out for new opportunities to make money. It was mainly because I know how important money is, how important quality of life is and what exactly a job could give you if you just work and work and work. I am well aware that it will bring me no where. I worked a lot of part times; I was daring enough to ask and fight for what I want. When I saw a camera fair, I would apporach the sales person and asked her to take me in. Whenever there's any MLM advertisement I would make my way to listen, to understand and try out. Unfortunately, frankly speaking, my laziness, lack of determination, easy to give up attitude are the barrier for me to be successful in any of it. Worse thing is my trip to KL made me realised how I have changed to become such a simple minded person. Well, of course simplicity has good and bad. When you are "too simple" you tend to lose your direction and you would just be blindly stuck in the rat race. Last night on the way back to Singapore I listened to a lot of old songs which reminded me of my past. Today, I have been so focused on my job that even the fire and passion in me have almost vanished. I become more serious or mature I would say? Where has my bubbly, cheerful, sporting, passionate character gone? And when I ask myself why? I actually know the answer and I realise I have to revive and make a change!

Reason being is because this job has fulfilled one of my biggest dreams which is to see the world. And I figured out that the workplace actually accumulated inferiority, insecurity and fear in me. All these months I was just so focused on passing my probation, adapting to their culture, dealing with my seniors and leading crews, dealing with my complaints and pre flight depression that I overlooked all the opportunities that by passed me. Is life just about flying? NO. Is life just about seeing the world for 2 years and back to the rat race again? NO. Can I sponsor my family to see the world as well with this job? NO. My friend told me I need to step up a little bit more to see life in a different picture. YES! That's very true. I don't want to be stagnant. I want more and I know I can achieve more! So why would I stop? Isn't the life that I want is a life with freedom, a life with choice? And why am I becoming so serious as I grow older? Why would I care how people judge me? All these while I've been learning to be a better person, a nice person but maybe the direction is not hitting the right point yet. I should set myself free and go all out to be myself and yet a person who is so attractive in terms of my confidence, my personality and great character.

Another reason is well I have to be very honest in this... because I may have been so focused on learning about God and understanding the church I spend most of my time on it and my job and that's all. I wanted to figure out what church is all about, cell group etc. Thank God when I attended a church camp last 2 nights, it make me feel... WOW it's just not complicated at all. Brothers and sisters just gather to play games, to worship setting aside all the pressures in life and just be sporting and enjoy! Praise The Lord that I've been touched at this level. Of course seeking God is the most wonderful thing in the world. But there is a lot of ways, a lot of space, it is flexible! Thank God for giving me this revelation. Because that is not just what He planned for me. He has more things for me. He doesn't want me to stop chasing my dreams. He has given me so much and He wants to me gather all the information, experiences and revelations I have gained and learned to build a stronger character. He wants me to get everything to work together to be a pure child of God. A child that He can use mightily in the marketplace, in the world. God the artist has created me the masterpiece. He provided me with different colours all sorts of colours, combinations whatever I want, whatever I need. He is the provider, the planner.. but it is me myself who decides which colour to put, how many colours and combinations to fill and how beautiful the picture is going to be... Everything lies not just within His power and wisdom, but in my hands and my faith. AMEN!

While I was listening to gospel songs, I wrote this blog, I was filled with passion and the feeling was just so amazing and strong. The power of the Holy Spirit just kept pouring upon me. My final word of the day; My future is so bright, I see the light. Jesus be with me... Hallelujah!!!

A Month Of Great Favour

It has been a fruitful month indeed. I have so many things and revelation to share that I could not fit in all in a single blog. August is a month that I like partly because it's my birthday month! Thank God for giving me a few meaningful celebrations with my sister and friends. And of course thanks for plenty of gifts from them too! Guess what I share the same birthday as Singapore's national day and end of the month would be my country's national day! A month of Festival Of Praise and a month of City Harvest Church's 20th anniversary. WOW! A month of celebrations huh? Besides that it is a month that I am going to clear my probation - a month that I'd be longing for. You know what I just came back from London and coincidentally my bestie flew there too. We get to go out together and it's our first ever oversea trip together! And my flight was really good and I got a good complex leader and the best check ever! Looks like it ends well for my last flight before I clear my P. Praise The Lord! It is a month where I get my allocated annual leave and I am able to go back to Malaysia for 1 whole week!!! Can't wait to meet my Mum, my sister, relatives and friends!!! It is surely gonna be an exciting week. Hallelujah! Isn't it a month of great favour and joy??? AMEN!

Okay, time for a short testimony. I have shared this during my cell group meeting and I guess it's only my second time sharing a testimony in a CG. This round I would say I can really feel the impact that I teared uncontrollably during my sharing. Well, have you ever wonder how beautiful God's plan is? We all did but it is never within our expectation. Things happen. Good or bad. But God will always be there to give you an answer as and when you need it. Not to mention other revelation I have gained over the past few weeks yet (will touch on this in my next blog). Just as how badly I wanted to take MC for an Indian flight on my birthday, God has stopped me from doing so. O Lord why not? I don't wanna work on my birthday on such a so-called s*cks flight; and I don't want to miss out the limelight dinner session with Pastor Kong! There and then in Delhi, I realised it all happens for a reason. First, the set of crew sang me a birthday song during PFS in the briefing room (alright that's a little weird) and IFSS bought me a cake and they celebrated for me in the crew room upon arrival to the hotel. Somehow I feel they are just being nice and bounded to do that out of IFSS's initiative. So I don't say it's something truly meaningful to me. Anyway, one day when I leave the company it will still be something quite special and worth remembering.

That night the electricity just cuts off for 1-2 mins every 30 mins??! I was a little freak out and started to imagine a lot of creepy nonsense. And problem is, it was extremely dark I could not see anything at all at that point of time. I called the Guest Services to check out what happened (well my general knowledge is pretty bad - I should have known that this is really common in India). Even their supermarkets have the same problem. The staff told me this happens regularly due to insufficient power in the country. That caught me in the heart... I suddenly put myself in their shoes and could feel how terrible it is to suffer in such condition. No lights? Imagine if it's a small village... I guess the black out will happen more frequent and last even longer. The next day, I went to have my lunch (good Indian food - yummy...); on the way back a little girl came to us begging for money. Her clothes was torned all over and she looked innocent yet weary. The crews asked me not to give her any money as it will attract others to come to me as well. But when I looked at her face and how desperate she was I discreetly gave her 15 rupees of coins I have in my purse. It was such a tiny amount - 15 rupees is equivalent to like only 50cents in Singapore. But the crew said it is more than enough for them to cover a meal. This struck me again. Before the flight, I was still in doubt of which child to sponsor through World Vision where they only have 2 choices of countries - India and Thailand for the time being. I was thinking of procrastinating the program because I wanted to get a child from South Africa instead. Yet God made all these to happen just in time. There must be a child praying to God to help her find a saviour. What I can do is just to contribute a small sum of money to her every month. But God is her true saviour! With this, God has answered her prayers and she shall be safe in the name of Jesus. AMEN!

"Romans 8:28-29 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." AMEN.

I Love My Job

Am I for real??? I am actually declaring that I love my job... that's so not me right? Let's read further before you elaborate. I guess you need to have a good idea of how my job goes about. A year ago I joined this company after being through several obstacles. From the interviews to medical check up to employment pass approval. Almost every stage was a challenge to me! Thinking back, I should appreciate what I have now more. Everything went well even during my first week in Singapore; it had been a great adventure. Meeting my Malaysian batchmates for the first time and together we explored this new place; we walked and walked, took buses, mrt, explored the shopping places, went for medical checkup, settled MOM thingy, looked for rooms and my first time to City Harvest Asian Conference with my roomie (Thanks Amanda for bringing me there). As the training began, it was just so fun. I got to know Batch 64/08 and we'd been through the ups and downs together. A lot of group work, a lot of exams, practical and something more interesting was our safety training. We jumped slide, swam and shouted evacuation command together. Then comes our graduation day where we put a lot of effort on it and it turned out to be great. :D

After started flying things were still okay initially. I was kinda excited in fact. As time goes by, with different encounters on every flight I would say this job is just so interesting that I would spend my lifetime talking about it. Yet, I often complain about my job; the culture and the people. It's all about drama-ing and one way communication. Basically there's no freedom to voice out and in order to prevent being picked on there are plenty of rules that I ought to follow. Mistakes have been done and corrected; I mean "adjusted" to the culture. Soon enough, I am trained to be a "Sorry" "Thank You" person just like almost every other crew. Throughout bad experiences, I somehow have forced myself to adapt to it. Being the humble pie is not that tough though. It's being the "extreme" humble pie that's a great challenge. Everytime before flight, I suffer from some kinda PFS, while it actually means Pre-Flight Session, I call it Pre-Flight Syndrome. The feeling of uncertainty of what kinda crew you will be flying with sucks. It's not about the passengers or flight time or destination whatsoever. In fact, this feeling adds the risk of depression and I actually have phobia flying. Crying emotionally is just so common among crew. Moreover, having to fly at weird timings and work like mad on board are really tiring. And the job actually creates hazards to my health as in my bone, my joints, my womb, my SKIN!!! These are truly demotivating.

So what's next? Do I still love my job? I would say I have to love my job and I can only say that because being positive is the only way to stay happy after all. Of course it is not that bad. Talking about the pros, it's not just about the pay (in fact I think we are still underpaid - it's such a high risk job man!). Why did I choose this job in the first place? Because I was heading nowhere and I wanna achieve my dream to see the world. I am so blessed that I get this job as it has helped me to achieve part of my dreams in my life (God is good). At least for the next phase of my life I can be more focused of achieving my other dreams! -PTL- Only 5 months of flying I've been to several countries in the world and seen a lot of wonders, seen a lot of culture and people from different walks of life. At most I only need to work for 4 sectors and when I touch down I get to enjoy the life of a tourist and sometimes as a rich tourist. As I have saved the airfare and accommodation, I only need to spend a few hundred dollars to make it to amazing scenes like the world's most beautiful flower park, snow mountain, rhine falls, Acropolis, African safari, blue mosque etc.! Imagine the lifestyle where you have your wonderful dinner by the beach, taking pictures all day long while your friends are still working hard somewhere around the world. Another fun thing is I become even more independent exploring the public transport and new places be it on my own or with the nice crews. Blessed that I have made a few good friends here too. I mean not just in SIA but in Singapore and CHC. :D

Most importantly, it's still not those travelling moments that I gained but the values and insights which money cannot buy. How much I've learnt to be a better person and how much I've grown. It's indescribable. Through this job, I realised even if you gain the whole world it's meaningless if there's no one to share your joy with you. Or if you lose your values and attitude. The bible says from Mark 8:36-37 "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Even if you have a million dollars in your bank account, the main thing that you need is still God, family and friends. Believe me or not, even if you don't need to pay a single cent to go to one of the world's most beautiful beaches, Maldives but you are all alone, you will still feel empty. On the contrary, you work hard and save some money to just go to Pulau Langkawi but with your loved ones, it is the pure joy that you will gain. And it is through this job that I got to know God which is the greatest blessing in my life for the only happiness that lasts forever is to seek Him and be with Him. So ask me again, do I really love my job? Well, I can't give you an accurate answer. Human beings are just so greedy and no matter what they do they will not be satisfy. They will still seek for more and seek for something different. But one person told me today "No one points a gun at me and ask me to take this job. As we have made our choice we have to fulfil the responsibility and... ENJOY it!" As God has arranged this for me, I would have to fulfil His will until He tells me to stop and move on... Amen!

Seeking My True Self

It took me quite some time to finally get my blog done. I have been wanting to write for a while but just didn't have the right mood. Talking about the title of my blog as well as this post it is just so real that life is all about seeking your ownselves. At least to me, it is all about seeking my true self; my identity, my dreams, my purpose. All these while, I had been brainstorming why exactly am I living in this world. Isn't this a cruel world? Life is just a cycle. You are borned, you grow up and go to school, then you work hard your entire life to make a living and some to become rich, you get married and raise your child and your child would go through the same routine as you do. Then you get old, fall ill and die. Worse thing is you go to hell and reincarnate to the next life. This process goes on and on and it's never ending. So why do I want to live in the first place? Why would I get married? Why do I wanna give birth to a child? Wow! Sounds a little deep huh? And never expect I would have such thought? I bet even my very close friends do not expect these from me.

Until I come to a stage where I was suffering from a huge dilemma. I could no longer depend on anyone or anything. I just feel empty. I decided to look for a breakthrough and my life starts to change. Well, I mean my mindset and values start to change slowly and they get more and more significant. I got to know plenty of people that have made an impact in my life. I talk, I share, I listen, I read, I think, I pray... to understand the logic of life; the reason and meaning behind everything. And then the greatest breakthrough fall upon me; when I finally repented and seek God. I know a lot of people would comment "Here comes Phoebe talking about God, God and God again" but it is just because they simply don't understand. I know how they feel because I've been through the same stage as they have. For more than 10 years God has been trying to save me. Yet I was skeptical and now I only wish I could have known Him earlier. Because that would make a big difference in my life and within my family...

Honestly, I don't really mean to start this blog simply because I want to boast about God. But it's because I want to share about my life which in turn could touch people's lives and reach out (that's the main objective of my site). Well, it is the real life experiences I'm talking about here. And if you notice my life is actually so strongly related to God. So He just naturally comes in my way in my daily sharing. He has given me a purpose in my life! And that is the greatest gift that I would have ever receive. It is no longer about being rich or climbing the corporate ladder in order to become successful. It is to achieve the dream of mankind; to be with God at eternity. Until today, I am still learning, still growing and in search deeper and deeper of Him and through Him I can find the real me and my true calling. One person told me before "The journey is very tough but it is by faith that we sustain." Amen.