4 months have passed...I have never been updating my blog since May... writing seems to be something new for me again... I remembered I used to enjoy writing my feelings and my walk with God very much. As many have known, I moved from Singapore back to Malaysia just a month ago...and it was a 180 degree change for me... though I have always been living in Malaysia and well, I am from Malaysia... but this new phase of life just adds a lot of stress to me... stuck in traffic jam, having hard times finding directions, getting lost in all sorts of places, new workplace, new people, exams, training, financial constraint, relationship issues and worst of all getting lost in my walk with God... thinking back the first few months after I became a Christian... everything seem so smooth, so blessed... I truly feel so much of peace and joy...I always remember that feeling because that is how I restore my first love for God especially when I stumble... As I thought I have found so much of myself... I am actually still unsure of myself until this very day...
Being caught in persecutions, rejections, constant hurtful situations... I know that I just couldn't handle them well... I got lost over and over again.. making rounds over and over again in the forest...just couldn't find my way out...but... God is still here to help me get my life back on track...the moment when I almost give up, He said "restore the first love" which He actually asked me to apply this in my relationship. When I was at one of the lowest pit... crying day and night, where loneliness hits me, when I almost lost track of God... I received a call... from my current cell group leader. She said God just prompted her to give me a call, and she said, "CG has been changed to this day, do you wanna come?" I was stunned... I wanted to say NO because I'm just so tired and lazy... but God said... "Go, Phoebe. Yes, go!" Then I told her... "Okay. I will go." And praise God, I know that a door is opened... for me to achieve my dream or to say it more nobly, to achieve His will... It is a good start and I am looking forward for more... I hungrily seek for more...
But still... the devil does not stop in messing up my life... again, my relationship falls into its trap...I struggled a lot... even thinking of ending everything that I'm currently doing... even thought of leaving this place, moving to somewhere far far away... even thought of leaving to Heaven to look for Jesus... and you know what? When you are lost, you start finding someone, somewhere to turn to... and to me my ultimate place and that someone is Heaven and Jesus! Hallelujah! Many many times... I wanted to give up, I wanted to leave, I wanted to let go... but all the time.. God says, "Stay on, Phoebe" He says, "Just pray and wait" When I wanted to disobey Him... out of my own emotions... I told God... "Jesus, I decided to leave... I can't take it anymore" But God sent someone again to speak to me... and well.. I learnt something new today... Leaving is so easy... you just take one step and you are free... it's a choice you choose to make yourself happier... Loving a person is like taking up a cross... as in Jesus loves us unconditionally for He carries our sins on the cross... Because I love him.. I gotta take up the cross.. actually God is building me in this aspect too... because everything about the Kingdom of God is love.. and He uses us mightily through love...if I leave now, am I fulfilling God's purpose for me? When I recall the statement from this book Love Dare; as your partner deserves your love the least, it is when he needs it the most. My heart feels pain... as I imagined me leaving him... whom is hungry for love..who needs it the most at this moment...
If I were to stay on... I pray that God will give me wisdom, endurance, perseverance, ... until the day where I have done truly my bestest best... God shall lead me through a different path once again... Today, God reminds me once again of my dreams of Him, my vision... and so clearly that this is my direction! So why am I still struggling? I am not lost at all... I know my path well and it is just how I go about to achieve it... to fulfil my destiny...
Jesus, in Your mighty name I ask and pray for Your mercy, for Your wisdom, for Your LOVE.
Being caught in persecutions, rejections, constant hurtful situations... I know that I just couldn't handle them well... I got lost over and over again.. making rounds over and over again in the forest...just couldn't find my way out...but... God is still here to help me get my life back on track...the moment when I almost give up, He said "restore the first love" which He actually asked me to apply this in my relationship. When I was at one of the lowest pit... crying day and night, where loneliness hits me, when I almost lost track of God... I received a call... from my current cell group leader. She said God just prompted her to give me a call, and she said, "CG has been changed to this day, do you wanna come?" I was stunned... I wanted to say NO because I'm just so tired and lazy... but God said... "Go, Phoebe. Yes, go!" Then I told her... "Okay. I will go." And praise God, I know that a door is opened... for me to achieve my dream or to say it more nobly, to achieve His will... It is a good start and I am looking forward for more... I hungrily seek for more...
But still... the devil does not stop in messing up my life... again, my relationship falls into its trap...I struggled a lot... even thinking of ending everything that I'm currently doing... even thought of leaving this place, moving to somewhere far far away... even thought of leaving to Heaven to look for Jesus... and you know what? When you are lost, you start finding someone, somewhere to turn to... and to me my ultimate place and that someone is Heaven and Jesus! Hallelujah! Many many times... I wanted to give up, I wanted to leave, I wanted to let go... but all the time.. God says, "Stay on, Phoebe" He says, "Just pray and wait" When I wanted to disobey Him... out of my own emotions... I told God... "Jesus, I decided to leave... I can't take it anymore" But God sent someone again to speak to me... and well.. I learnt something new today... Leaving is so easy... you just take one step and you are free... it's a choice you choose to make yourself happier... Loving a person is like taking up a cross... as in Jesus loves us unconditionally for He carries our sins on the cross... Because I love him.. I gotta take up the cross.. actually God is building me in this aspect too... because everything about the Kingdom of God is love.. and He uses us mightily through love...if I leave now, am I fulfilling God's purpose for me? When I recall the statement from this book Love Dare; as your partner deserves your love the least, it is when he needs it the most. My heart feels pain... as I imagined me leaving him... whom is hungry for love..who needs it the most at this moment...
If I were to stay on... I pray that God will give me wisdom, endurance, perseverance, ... until the day where I have done truly my bestest best... God shall lead me through a different path once again... Today, God reminds me once again of my dreams of Him, my vision... and so clearly that this is my direction! So why am I still struggling? I am not lost at all... I know my path well and it is just how I go about to achieve it... to fulfil my destiny...
Jesus, in Your mighty name I ask and pray for Your mercy, for Your wisdom, for Your LOVE.
